Hello.

My family is literally the best family anyone could ask for.

They told me today, “Your family will always be behind you. We will always support you.” in response to some bad news.

Made me tear up :’)

fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

My tummy is making funny gurgly noises.

In other news, my family got a Tesla. It is bright red and flashy and completely not a midlife crisis thing for my parents.

Something I think about a lot is the fact people still judge other people based on how they look. How big someone’s nose is, how high someone’s cheekbones are, how defined someone’s jawline is, how big someone’s eyes are, etc.

It’s not like people can control a lot of aspects about their attractiveness without spending money on expensive plastic surgery. And yet we still judge people based on their DNA.

How fucked up is that.

My roommate is a fucking disgrace of a human being.

In the latest of her fucking shenanigans, she conveniently forgets to tell me she subletted her room in our apartment to some random girl. Thus resulting in me freaking out when I hear unfamiliar voices in my fucking apartment. I EVEN ASKED HER BEFORE I LEFT FOR THE SUMMER IF SHE WAS SUBLETTING AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN REPLY I AM SO FUCKING MAD.

Post-Op Experiences

My surgery was at 8:20 am on Friday morning and I was able to go home at 11:30 am. My first day back actually wasn’t too bad because I was still on the painkillers that they gave me and the area around the incision was numbed. However, I couldn’t really get into and out of bed by myself, I had to walk around hunched over because my abdomen felt like it was punched over and over, and I had no appetite. It also extremely hurt to pee because of that damn catheter, so it felt like I was peeing glass and fire, which extremely sucked because they gave me a bunch of fluids so I had to pee every half an hour and it made me not want to drink anything.

The next day, Saturday, was far, far worse. I woke up around 6 am because I needed to pee, except without any help, I couldn’t get out of bed easily. So stupidly, I tried to get out of bed by myself…which was one of the most painful experiences in the world. The numbness around my incision had worn off so I could feel everything. Peeing still hurt a little, but it was a lot better. I still walked around like a hunchback because my abdomen was still really sore. In the morning, I walked around like a zombie because I was in so much pain. And then I had to sneeze, which was another one of my most painful experiences. My appetite hadn’t come back yet, so I didn’t feel like eating anything, and on top of that, I felt like I had so much gas building up inside and seemingly no way to release it, so I had to ask my boyfriend to burp me like a baby. Embarrassing, yes I know. In the afternoon, my doctor told me I could remove the dressing and take a shower, which was really scary. I was worried the surgical tape would come off or that water would get into the incision and sting, or somehow the incision was going to get infected. Basically it was a terrifying experience.

Sunday was significantly better. There was still pain, but I could walk slightly less hunched. It was also easier getting into and out of bed and walking down the stairs. Laughing, coughing, sneezing all still significantly hurts, but I’ve been semi-successful in controlling that. Peeing is now pain-free and my constipation is finally gone. My parents said that color was coming back to my face, so that was good. I was also in a better mood considering I now had the ability to poop again. My appetite has also come back and things are looking up! Showering the second time was a lot less stressful, since we had a family friend come over and tell me that nothing bad could happen as long as I don’t do anything stupid. We also got gauze pads to pat the incision clean, which we didn’t have yesterday, so that was good too. I also started drinking more fluids and felt a lot better.

This might be super TMI, but wow does it feel good to have a bowel movement again.

Don’t take it for granted, guys. Constipation ruins lives.